Why the beauty queen never found herself beautiful

Ever since I was a little girl, I never found myself to be pretty. I never fit the “standards” of beauty I saw in magazines and famous people.

My eyes have always been very small, so I was recommended to wear eyelid tape to create a crease. My nose bridge doesn’t really exist and my nose itself is rather pudgy, so I was told at a young age to pinch my nose everyday. I specifically remember one day in middle school I flipped through an entire Cosmo Girl magazine trying to find any model with a nose like mine. Unsurprisingly, no one did, and at that moment I was legitimately upset I was born with the facial features I had. Kids at school made fun of me for my Asian eyes and my flat face. One student even compared my face to a textbook.

And yet, here I am competing in international beauty pageants. I’ve been honored to represent my city, state, and even country as a pageant titleholder on multiple occasions. I’ve been on magazine covers, walked runway shows, and modeled for some really incredible companies. But every time I do I question myself wondering how I was ever qualified or lucky enough to have these incredible opportunities.

My eyes are still small, my nose is still pudgy, and I don’t think anyone that will ever see me at first glance stop and thing “WOW! She’s gorgeous.” I can’t worry about the things I can’t control and it’s okay for me to have some of these insecurities, but I should never let them hold me back from my dreams.

It wasn’t until I competed in pageants and started modeling that I realized those little things I used to fixate so much of my childhood on never really mattered. It’s rather ironic as most people believe pageants and modeling can hurt your self esteem, which it could to some regard, but I’m so fortunate it did the opposite for me. I found my beauty was not on my outer appearance, but how I carried myself in any situation. My actions, thoughts, and most of all my newfound confidence was what made me become the person I am today.

So when it comes to the Western and Oriental standards of beauty, I don’t fit either. But I feel beautiful and confident because I am unique, I am my own person and no one can ever take that away from me.